I WILL MISS

I will miss her in my arms. I will Miss breathing each others air. I will miss her cute little voice. I will miss how she made me feel. I will mis her beautiful eyes. I will miss her loving me better. I will miss how much she loved me and how she would forgive me of anything. I will miss her smile. I will miss her bald little head. I will miss how funny she was and how she could make me laugh. Pretty much I can say I will miss everything about her every day until I see her again. I love you baby.

Ari I Love you!!!

As I sit her and watch my daughter slip away there are some things I want to tell her first is that I love her unconditionally. That everyone in her life loves her. That i would do anything for her. That she is the strongest most amazing spirit i have ever known. That she is beautiful. That i will miss her. That it will be a miracle if she stays or goes. That her Father in Heaven loves her and is there for her. That her savior loves her. That she will be in good hands. That I want her to be happy. That i wish i could take it all away. That i wish i could hold her. And last is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't trust her and Travis. That I'm sorry she is passing in a hospital instead of at home. That I'm sorry she couldn't spend her last moments in my arms. I'm sorry that she has been tortured her last month here. I'm sorry that she loves me so much and is so obedient that she let us torture her. I'm sorry she couldn't spend more time with her family. And That I hope her and Travis will forgive me.

I know a lot of people will try to tell me it is not my fault and i know it isn't. But it could have been different. She wanted it different and that is why I need to apologize to her. I know that it was supposed to happen this way. But i feel bad because i feel that is was for me to learn certain things and I am sorry that my kids and my husband sometimes suffer for my learning process. But that is life and I know they love me enough to forgive me and put up with it again and again.
I have faith and am grateful for this whole experience and I know it is because Heavenly Father loves me and loves her that everything is happening. I believe she is to pure for this world and am happy for her to not have to deal with things. I have learned that I need to trust my Family and Travis. Trust that he is the priesthood in our family. I trust and know that Heavenly father loves me and will comfort me and will always be there for me. I am grateful to him for all my blessings. Travis sometimes teases me but I truly believe that every thing that happens in our lives is for a reason. And that the Lord is very aware and active in our lives. Thank you every one for all your love, prayers, and fasting. I know that it has helped.

Ari’s Update January 22, 2011
Many of you have been asking me how Ari is doing. I apologize for the delay in responding.

Travis has been in Salt has been texting me updates from the hospital in Salt Lake. I received the following text from him this morning. With his permission I am going to post it:

She is still the same. Her heart has remained strong. They anticipated her heart to fail soon because of all the work to take care of the other organs not Functioning. But her heart has remained strong. My thoughts are; are we prolonging her death having her hooked up to these machines that keep her alive? But in The moment as a parent if she is willing to fight I feel like I have to make the calls to do all we can to help her live. If we disconnected her she would die very rapidly. But how do you pull the plug when she is still fighting. It reminds me of a boxer who is getting killed in the ring but told his corner man "do not throw the towel in no matter what" "I think that was actually a scene on Rocky" then he came back and won. He was willing to die trying.
I believe Ari is Saying the same thing. "do not give up on me because I haven't given up on myself" but as a parent it is the hardest thing to allow to continue. But it is also The hardest thing to "say pull the plug" I guess what you do is trust God and fight right beside her and appreciate the moment that you have to fight with her Win or lose, as a parent I will look back and know that I didn't give up on her, God or myself and regardless of the outcome we will all win.

It reminds me of When Kaleb Pierce showed up at our door back in Highschool in Page with blood coming down the side of his face. He had gotten himself into a fight that was going to require some help. So 4 of us showed up to literally fight 15 plus people and half those boys could bench press small vehicles. But Kaleb went out there and with Zero hesitation of reservation commenced to pick out the biggest boy and convince him he was going to eat him for lunch. I knew all 3 of us were going to have The butt whooping of our lives. Yes I said 3 because the 4th had high tailed it out the other way and left just us 3 and the 3rd guy couldn't whip himself out Of a wet paper bag (as Dad would say) But because Kaleb was willing to go out with such tenacity I had no choice but to fight with him. Well for those of you that have heard The story. You know we walked away glorious. Well now looking back I have to add "Glorious Bastards"
Anyways Haley and I have remained very positive and Supportive of her through the night and Haley has been very encouraging to her. When you have such a little thing fighting so hard with so much faith, I have to Admit watching Ari fight with such faith and strength "It is easy to remain strong, positive and allowing much faith to be put into the Lord." after last night I feel extremely honored to be her father. I have never been so touched and moved by an individual’s example. I never ever would have dreamed it would be by a three year old little girl. Right now I feel no fear, no doubts, patients and full of love and hope. That doesn't mean it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows for us. and it doesn't mean the outcome is Going to be what I want but I do know that God is in control and loves us and that is enough for me. So I am just going to continue to fight right beside her and continue to trust God and endure until the answers arrive.

He sent this picture and wrote, "she is peaceful"

This little girl has been through so much and remains the sweetest little thing. I love her so much.

Happy new year

My new year was spent down in PICU thinking Ari would pass any minute. But she is still sticking in there. We might get moved up to the forth floor tomorrow. She still needs help breathing but is doing a lot better. her ANC was at 300 today. She has to be at 500 for 2 days to consider her ingrafted. We are now on day 14. So maybe tomorrow she will be at 500. Her head cleared up pretty much over night. So I really think the bone marrow is working. Oh and she lost all her hair again. She is still as beautiful as ever. Her liver and spleen our down to her hips. So she definitely has her work cut out for her.