The power of music

A couple of interesting things happened today in church. Laney gave a talk. It was going to be about things we could do to be more like Jesus. So she was just going to read Ari's favorite book and song I'm trying to be like Jesus. Instead she sang it. It was so cute after she was done there was a unanimous "GOOD JOB"!! And one Kid clapped a little bit. It was very cute

Our class in church was on music in our lives and in our home. They asked us all to think of a time that music has comforted us or helped us. Tears came to my eyes. My first thought is of the day Arianna passed. We asked people to pray and fast that she would not be scared. In the past when we would talk to her about passing she would get a little upset. She did not want to leave her Dad and Mom. Before she went I knew she was ready and I knew she was done being sick. She was happy to be going to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus. I do not think she was upset or scared.
The two things I wanted were, for her to not die in the hospital and also for her to be in my arms, her favorite place in the world. I did not get the first. When we told the doctors of my other wish. They said ok but we have to do it soon because she is fading fast and won't hold out much longer. That day I had four of her favorite songs playing in a loop. Baby Mine, I'm trying to be like Jesus, Twinkle Twinlke little Star, and a song off of Tangled. Baby mine was her FAVORITE and in the past I would sing it to her when she was hurting or falling asleep. That day all her family got to hug and kiss her and tell her good bye. It was a very peaceful, beautiful day. when she took her last few breaths. The song Baby Mine was playing and I sang it to my baby for the last time and I had my hand on her chest and i felt her heart beat for the last time. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I felt the spirit very strong. I think music can be a very powerful thing for comfort and peace. I hope having music there that day helped her feel peace and not be scared along with a lot of other things. I love and miss her so much.

A couple other things about music and Ari. Her Singing the Z song on starfall and going ahhh, when the little girls hair went crazy. She had the most beautiful voice and she loved music. She would just start singing every once in a while. One night one of the nurses came in and She heard me singing and thought I was singing to Ari but I actually was sleep singing. It gave her a pretty good laugh. To try to keep our spirits up I would fall asleep thinking good thoughts and counting my blessings and apparently it would get me singing

Happy Mothers day

Today is special in 2 ways. One because it is Sunday. Every Sunday is special because ari loved Sunday. I would try to sneak to church when she was sick because I didn't want her around so many people and also because going would exhaust her. Of course I never got away with it. She would either catch me or she would make her Dad bring her down when she figured out where I was. She passed away on a Sunday. Every Today is special in 2 ways. One because it is Sunday. Every Sunday is special because ari loved Sunday. I would try to sneak to church when she was sick because I didn't want her around so many people and also because going would exhaust her. Of course I never got away with it. She would either catch me or she would make her Dad bring her down when she figured out where I was. She passed away on a Sunday. Every Sunday since is not only Gods day but hers also.

And number 2 is because it is mothers day. What a sacred amazing day. I love being a mother. I am so grateful for my beautiful children. I am so grateful for how forgiving and loving they are. I miss Arianna so much. I know she was a gift from God. And I am so happy for every moment I had with her.

Happy mothers day Sunday since is not only Gods day but hers also.

I got a new calling. I get to teach Laney in church. After the first week she said mom its ok you will do better next week. I will help you. Oh and some people bring treats. She is so funny.
When Ari died she said,"at least you have to more girls meaning kaley and Lilly. Then she said if two girls would have died dad would be pissed. But it would be quitre so maybe he would like it."

Another one of my favorites is her saying Travis looks like a Fat Jesus. The things she says.

BIKE RIDING

We have had a lot of fun bike riding lately. We went with the Levi and Zed. they are crazy. It is very entertaining.

Alaina got up to bear her testimony and said one thing."I know my Mommy loves me". It made me feel wonderful! That is my main goal as a Mom, that my kids know that I love them. There are so many times I wish I would sacrifice more, teach more, listen more, you get the idea. But hey one of my kids knows I love them. That has got to count for something.

I read this story that was similar to Ari's. The last thing her daughter said to her was."I love you Mommy". I was so jealous the last thing my daughter did was hit me for letting them do what they just did to her. I went to bed thinking about it and the next morning I woke up went down the hall and there was a book laying there that I didn't even know we had. The title was "I Love You Mommy". Thank you Ari. I love you to!!

Camping and rock climbing

This week we went camping at red cliffs. We went Repelling. Me and dannie went face first. It is very beautiful. We went hiking up the caynon and went on some rock slides into the water. It was way fun. The next day we went floating down the river. The river got really flooded this year and it was pretty deep. The first time we went it was peaceful and fun. Each time it got a little crazier and crazier. The last time we went it was death defying and we all nearly drowned. GOOD TIMES GOOD TIMES!!!!

lilly crawls like a frog.

lilly crawls like a frog it is the funniest thing. If she is really exited she will get air. She would land right on her tummy.

As prepared as I thought We were it is still very hard. It feels like at least once a day I break down crying. It hits you out of no where that she is no longer her. Every thing you do the last time you did it was with her. Reminders are everywhere. Each one makes me want to cry. But at the same time I am greatful for each reminder. Each memory each moment. I hope it starts to get easier. She had such an amazing spirit. I feel like the hole time through her pain. Living in the hospital. And every bump we had we were still very happy and at peace. I feel like that came from her spirit. Every one around her could feel her spirit and gather strength from it. I feel like with her gone I'm a little kid again. I guess it is time for me to learn to stand on my own feet again. Thankyou ari for your strengh. Love patience. Smile. Kindness and just for bring you. I love you.

Lilly reminds me so much of Ari. She is starting to learn to crawl. So exiting. She is such a great baby.

we went sleding this weekend. We like to go sleding at least once every winter. It was such a blast. Corey has made these bike skis that are so much fun. The snow was perfect.

In Church volley ball this year are ward took 1st. We didn't make it very far in regional but we had a great time.

The kids made this swing it was pretty funny.

12 years and counting. Travis and his princess birthday cake isn't he cute!

Lilly in her blessing dress

Lilly got to wear Ari's dress. It was a special day.

I WILL MISS

I will miss her in my arms. I will Miss breathing each others air. I will miss her cute little voice. I will miss how she made me feel. I will mis her beautiful eyes. I will miss her loving me better. I will miss how much she loved me and how she would forgive me of anything. I will miss her smile. I will miss her bald little head. I will miss how funny she was and how she could make me laugh. Pretty much I can say I will miss everything about her every day until I see her again. I love you baby.

Ari I Love you!!!

As I sit her and watch my daughter slip away there are some things I want to tell her first is that I love her unconditionally. That everyone in her life loves her. That i would do anything for her. That she is the strongest most amazing spirit i have ever known. That she is beautiful. That i will miss her. That it will be a miracle if she stays or goes. That her Father in Heaven loves her and is there for her. That her savior loves her. That she will be in good hands. That I want her to be happy. That i wish i could take it all away. That i wish i could hold her. And last is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't trust her and Travis. That I'm sorry she is passing in a hospital instead of at home. That I'm sorry she couldn't spend her last moments in my arms. I'm sorry that she has been tortured her last month here. I'm sorry that she loves me so much and is so obedient that she let us torture her. I'm sorry she couldn't spend more time with her family. And That I hope her and Travis will forgive me.

I know a lot of people will try to tell me it is not my fault and i know it isn't. But it could have been different. She wanted it different and that is why I need to apologize to her. I know that it was supposed to happen this way. But i feel bad because i feel that is was for me to learn certain things and I am sorry that my kids and my husband sometimes suffer for my learning process. But that is life and I know they love me enough to forgive me and put up with it again and again.
I have faith and am grateful for this whole experience and I know it is because Heavenly Father loves me and loves her that everything is happening. I believe she is to pure for this world and am happy for her to not have to deal with things. I have learned that I need to trust my Family and Travis. Trust that he is the priesthood in our family. I trust and know that Heavenly father loves me and will comfort me and will always be there for me. I am grateful to him for all my blessings. Travis sometimes teases me but I truly believe that every thing that happens in our lives is for a reason. And that the Lord is very aware and active in our lives. Thank you every one for all your love, prayers, and fasting. I know that it has helped.

Ari’s Update January 22, 2011
Many of you have been asking me how Ari is doing. I apologize for the delay in responding.

Travis has been in Salt has been texting me updates from the hospital in Salt Lake. I received the following text from him this morning. With his permission I am going to post it:

She is still the same. Her heart has remained strong. They anticipated her heart to fail soon because of all the work to take care of the other organs not Functioning. But her heart has remained strong. My thoughts are; are we prolonging her death having her hooked up to these machines that keep her alive? But in The moment as a parent if she is willing to fight I feel like I have to make the calls to do all we can to help her live. If we disconnected her she would die very rapidly. But how do you pull the plug when she is still fighting. It reminds me of a boxer who is getting killed in the ring but told his corner man "do not throw the towel in no matter what" "I think that was actually a scene on Rocky" then he came back and won. He was willing to die trying.
I believe Ari is Saying the same thing. "do not give up on me because I haven't given up on myself" but as a parent it is the hardest thing to allow to continue. But it is also The hardest thing to "say pull the plug" I guess what you do is trust God and fight right beside her and appreciate the moment that you have to fight with her Win or lose, as a parent I will look back and know that I didn't give up on her, God or myself and regardless of the outcome we will all win.

It reminds me of When Kaleb Pierce showed up at our door back in Highschool in Page with blood coming down the side of his face. He had gotten himself into a fight that was going to require some help. So 4 of us showed up to literally fight 15 plus people and half those boys could bench press small vehicles. But Kaleb went out there and with Zero hesitation of reservation commenced to pick out the biggest boy and convince him he was going to eat him for lunch. I knew all 3 of us were going to have The butt whooping of our lives. Yes I said 3 because the 4th had high tailed it out the other way and left just us 3 and the 3rd guy couldn't whip himself out Of a wet paper bag (as Dad would say) But because Kaleb was willing to go out with such tenacity I had no choice but to fight with him. Well for those of you that have heard The story. You know we walked away glorious. Well now looking back I have to add "Glorious Bastards"
Anyways Haley and I have remained very positive and Supportive of her through the night and Haley has been very encouraging to her. When you have such a little thing fighting so hard with so much faith, I have to Admit watching Ari fight with such faith and strength "It is easy to remain strong, positive and allowing much faith to be put into the Lord." after last night I feel extremely honored to be her father. I have never been so touched and moved by an individual’s example. I never ever would have dreamed it would be by a three year old little girl. Right now I feel no fear, no doubts, patients and full of love and hope. That doesn't mean it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows for us. and it doesn't mean the outcome is Going to be what I want but I do know that God is in control and loves us and that is enough for me. So I am just going to continue to fight right beside her and continue to trust God and endure until the answers arrive.

He sent this picture and wrote, "she is peaceful"

This little girl has been through so much and remains the sweetest little thing. I love her so much.

Happy new year

My new year was spent down in PICU thinking Ari would pass any minute. But she is still sticking in there. We might get moved up to the forth floor tomorrow. She still needs help breathing but is doing a lot better. her ANC was at 300 today. She has to be at 500 for 2 days to consider her ingrafted. We are now on day 14. So maybe tomorrow she will be at 500. Her head cleared up pretty much over night. So I really think the bone marrow is working. Oh and she lost all her hair again. She is still as beautiful as ever. Her liver and spleen our down to her hips. So she definitely has her work cut out for her.